My Heart Hurts

Ugh…  I have to stop watching the news.

As a new mom, everything just seems so overwhelming…  Everything brings tears to my eyes.  It all just hurts.  Hurts my heart.

Internationally, we see Israel and Palestine continuing the wars that have gone on for centuries – and now they’re bombing schools where innocent children and women are seeking refuge?!  We watched the Malaysian plane go down in the Ukraine, apparently hit by a missile?!  What kind of heartless people do such a thing?!  When I see these stories on the news, my heart starts racing and eyes start tingling…  I think of those mamas – living in war torn places, never knowing when their world will be shattered by the loss of their husband or kids…  And I wonder, how is it that I’m lucky enough to be sitting here, on my patio, on a peaceful summer day in the middle of Minnesota… with my biggest worry of the day being the question of “what is killing my garden?”  It’s not fair.

Nationally, on the news this week, I’ve seen tornados and wildfires take homes and lives.  I saw a random lightening storm take the life of a young man while he was surfing in Southern California.  I saw a small plane make an emergency landing on a beach in Florida and kill a dad who was walking the beach with his daughter (and who earlier that day sent a note to his wife, excited to live their next 100 years together)…  So much sadness.  So many lives that started out with ordinary days, waking up with loved ones one minute – and gone the next.  It’s too much.

And last night, in the area of the Twin Cities where I worked for 10 years, a cop was killed during a “routine traffic stop.”  He was in his forties, had served that town for 19 years, had a wife and two teenagers…  As I watched the news unfold and the manhunt commence for the killer, the tears flowed.  What does it take for someone to lose it to the point of killing another human?  I just don’t get it.

And yet, our country does nothing about tightening laws on guns.  Gee.  Wouldn’t want to hurt that lobbying group.  (Can you feel the dripping sarcasm?  Sorry about that…)

Maybe it’s because I’m a mama now.  But I see these stories differently now – I’m more raw than I used to be.  A year ago, I could watch and witness, and know that these things were far away…  I’d pray for the situations and people involved, and secretly think, “Thank God that didn’t happen to me…”  But now, I physically hurt for them.  And I think, “My God, what if that happens to me?”

I refuse to live a life of fear.  I won’t stop going out and doing the things I love.  I won’t let Sawyer grow up scared…  But.  It will hurt.  This world has become so violent – it feels relentless at times.  I find myself scared for him – for what he will witness and endure in his lifetime.  I know I can’t protect him from everything…  But I hope I can raise him to be strong, kind, and hopeful in the midst of whatever this world hands him.

But for now…  I’m going to turn off the news for awhile.  (Not forever – I believe in being informed.  Just for now…)

My heart needs to heal a little.